America is polarized. So is this Super Bowl. Brady and Belichick have embodied provincial New England Whiteness for more than a decade and a half.
Atlanta is the South’s capital. It’s also one of the only cities that is large enough and culturally strong enough to counter-punch that Nor’easter whiteness.
Everything about this Super Bowl is politicized. America needs Atlanta to win this. The Trump/Brady?Belichick/Kraft ties areDossier-loose, but they’re still there. At a time when our elected leaders are doing everything they can to kill culture in America, America needs Atlanta to thrive. We NEED endless videos of Arthur Blank soaked in champagne dancing to Bad & Boujee. Instead of Brady having a smoothie and going to bed after the game, we need BFFs Julio and Gucci leaving Houston in their wake.
If we’re being completely honest, there isn’t a better way to spend the Super Bowl than alone with your dog, a case of Two Hearted, a boneless basket from Fire On The Mountain, and Twitter. So here we go.
They’re wheeling out George H.W. and Barbara. Despite pushing a hundred and looking like they’re both propped up with yard sticks, they’re -650 to say something brazenly racist about Julio Jones before Trump does on Twitter.
Seriously, Jimmy Carter is from Georgia, has been building houses for the last six months, and can actually express emotion, but instead they brought out these two who just spent the week in the hospital?
Of all the people to call this game, why Aikman? This is the most NFL move of all time. A protectionist measure to halt any possibility of a diverse or dissenting opinion. The ultimate company man with a, let’s say, limited ability to call games. I know Fox had this one, but America should feel wronged that Michaels and Collinsworth weren’t serenading us with insights during this one.
“I only watch for the commercials.”
Commercial One: Ok Google – An appeal to emotion to show you what Google can do in very specific circumstance. Remember when it was crazy for a tech company to have a tv commercial?
Commercial Two: Michellin with Jose Gonzalez – Another appeal to emotion. I smell a trend.
Commercial Three: AVOCADOS FROM MEXICO THROWIN SERIOUS SHADE. This is what we were all looking for. Make everyone remember that at next year’s Super Bowl parties, they’ll all be eating runny salsa instead of their delicious guac.
Commercial 5ish: Super memorable HR Block ad, for some technology that no one cares about. We just want our taxes done. We don’t care how.
Then some time elapsed before we saw any memorable commercials. Big winners of the night: Car Companies. Audi, Ford and Kia all came through with great performances. Best New Performer goes to some hair company whose name we all already forgot, but they said what we were all thinking.
Back to the Action
Tevin Coleman with a big gain – Amazing that Warrick Dunn can still run like that.
LeGarrette Blount just fumbled. Damn shame that we wont get any, “Blount scores 3 TDs, Then Parties in Houston With Gronk” stories tomorrow.
Commercial Whatever: Walken and Timberlake for some kombucha drink. Social media appears to love it. Could have been better.
Taking a short break to have surgery on both of my ACLs that Devonta Freeman just tore on his touchdown run.
The Falcons See Your Malcolm Butler and Raise You a Robert Alford
Robert Alford with the 82yd pick six. A truth as old as time is the unheralded DB making a humungous play in the Super Bowl. Flacons go up 21-0. Brady marches New England down the field and after a missed throw to Edelman and a hold on Bennett, the Pats settle for 3.
Here comes the real excitement. Gaga is escorted out by 300 drones, singing a song that, while it wasn’t “Fuck Donald Trump”, was probably the family-friendly equivalent of that. Look, Gaga was fantastic. Everything you could’ve wanted out of a Super Bowl halftime show in 2017 – She made a statement while also being super entertaining and not costing the NFL millions in ad dollars. But the NFL really dropped the ball on this one. Give me one good reason why the halftime show wasn’t a hologram duet of Prince and Bowie singing a 15 minute version of “Heroes”. I’ll wait.
The second half went largely like we thought it would, despite win probabilities and FAKE NEWS statistics telling us otherwise. There was never really any doubt that provincial, protectionist Boston and their asshole of a coach/least exciting athlete of all time would prevail to make us all hate sports, America, and the last six months even more. America was robbed of Gucci and The ATLien dancing behind Goodell as he handed over the trophy. There won’t be any 2,000 word column from Rembert that is literally just 2,000 exclamation points. The residents of Atlanta will be forced to remember Matt Ryan’s career before 2016 and the fact that the Braves might as well be playing in Charlotte two months from now.
Regardless of this game’s, everyone was going to wake up Monday morning and go to work. But this feels like an L for everyone outside of Boston. Culture had a chance to prevail. America had a great opportunity to celebrate one of its most diverse cities – an iconoclast of Southern culture that is unrivaled. Instead, we’re about 20 months away from Wahlberg giving a halftime speech as Brady in “Houston, We Have Inflation”.